Salim Bradley Goes To Hogwarts
by HakurosMeatyLover
Summary: And he meets a whole host of pals! He must complete a series of tasks to prove himself.. also includes characters from Black Cat, Inuyasha, Futurama, and more! COLLABORATIVE EFFORT WITH MY FRIEND PURPLE, LOVE YOU!
1. Salim Bradley Goes To Hogwarts

"Salim Bradley?... SLYTHERIN!"

The Sorting Chimera announced this. The sorting was concluded.

In the common Room of Slytherin, they welcomed young Salim.

"Hello, Salim," Draco said. "Welcome. I'm Draco. Let's talk bloodlines. What's your family like?"

"Well, my father was Adolf Hitler- you know, the Füherh."

Drago gasped. "My idol! He had the best taste in races. I'm Aryan, myself."

"Yes. I've noticed. And my mother was a Muggle."

"A HALF BREED? HITLER'S SON, A FUCKING HALF BREED?"

"We prefer 'Mudblood'. But anyway, she was Eva Braun, not your typical Muggle."

Draco contemplated. "Well.. I suppose that's not _too _impure. We can work something out."

"Great. Now, introduce me to your friend here."

"Oh! I almost forgot. Salim, meet Creed Diskenth. Creed, say hello."

"Hello, Salim," said Creed, drinking wine from a thestral's skull. "How do you feel about being Slytherin?"

"Quite pleased. My father was a Slytherin as well. His name's Hitler."

"Yes, I heard."

"Adolf Hitler," Salim beamed.

"Very impressive. You like cats?"

"Black cats, yes."

Creed got hard. "THE BLACK CAT! MY SHINING STAR!"

"I'm sorry... Who?"

"WHO? TRAIN BLOODY HEARTNET."

Draco sighed. "Again, Creed, really?"

"Yes! He's simply perfection. PERFECTION, DRACO!"

"He's a Hufflepuff," Draco explained, "who Creed adores."

"Eternally," Creed sighed.

"Oh. Can I meet this Traincat kid?"

"If you complete these three tasks. First, obtain Sesshomaru's slash fanfiction diary. By nightfall. Tonight."

"But... who's Sesshomarut?"

"That man," Draco said, pointing to the most beautiful seventh-year in all of Amestris.

Salim was taken aback. "Those cheekbones... That poise - that grace! He is my target, you say?"

"Let the games begin!" Hedonismbot cried.


	2. Swiss Temptation

Salim began to ponder how to best trick Sesshomaru into giving up his prized yaoi notebook.

"Perhaps I shall bake him a cake of the finest chocolate."

"That's fucking retarded," Draco spat. "Dog-demons get sick if they eat chocolates."

"Preisely," Salim winked.

"Well," Creed said, "That's brilliant! We can give leftovers to Black Cat. Kitty loves his candy."

Everyone stared.

Creed sighed dreamily, stroking his nips.

"Time to go BAKE!" Salim said, his eyes twinkling.

"No. We have house*elves for that." Draco shot down the child's clouds.

"Oh. Then let's play Scrabble while we wait."

"GOTTA BEAT SCRABBLE." Creed exclaimed.

The trio laughed and played. Naturally, Creed won.

By sunset, Salim had his cake. It was disguised as a Swiss cheese, Sessy's favorite.

Carefully, Salim shouted. "SESSHOMARU! I have an awfully Swiss-looking cheese to offer your tasty taste buds!"

"Oh?" Sesshomaru seemed interested. "Sessy love Swiss-looking cheeses."

Salim presended the cheesee.

Sesshomaruté dug in with a shovel-tongue (a dog-demon thing.) "This is delightful, Salim!" He proclaimed.

"Feeling sick yet?"

"Why would I-" Sesshomaru passed out. In a pool, Salimm celebrated.

"Yay!"

Quickly, he rummaged out of the pool and over to Sesshomaru's bags.

After copious searching, Salim found the fanfic diary. He read the cover:

"INUYASHA: DOGGY STYLE."

"Good lord... incest." Salim shuddered.

With notebook in hand, he skipped to the common room.

"I got it!"

"Really?" Draco asked. "That was quick!"

"How I roll." Salim gangsta signed. "So,nowwhat?"

"What's Phase 2?" Creed asked, CACKLING.

"Hm," Draco pondered. "Give me the notebook first, please." Salim obliged. "Hm..." Draco flipped through the pages. "Very informative." Hhe slid the notebook into his robe pocket- his "hot pocket".

"Right. Phase two." Salim asked.

"Phase two is a sack race," Draco said smugly. "Against this."

ALPHONSE ENTERS.


	3. Race Against the Machine

"Behold... THE MACHINE."

"Hi." Alphonse waved.

"Hello," Salim smiled. "You're kinda cute. Can i push the X button on your chest?"

"If you win."

"Deal. So, when-"

"RIGHT NOW!" Draco blew a whistle and handed out sacks.

Salim jumped to victory, putting on a show. Like Tucker. Then, the race began, as Sessy remained unconcious in the commonroom.

Alphonze took an early bird lead, quickly taking the lead. Taking the lead, Alphonse was winning. Soon, however, Salim turbo-ed up. "Lickety-Split!" Creed shouted, as he drained wine from his thestral skull, from the thestral skull.

Salim was going, fast! Soon, he had passed the machine. "This is unprecedented!" Draco declared. "Man VS Woman; robot vs the Fuherh's Son!"

And with that, Salim crossed the Finnish line, winning Phase 2: Race Against the Machine.

He lept from the finish line into Alphonse's arms. "I love your ability to win!" Alphonse said. "Now you may push my X button!"

Salim squeaked with mouse-like exitment. He pushed and pushed the button. Candy rained from Alphonse's mouth, causing Salim much joy.

Creed even got in, gathering candy for his darling Traincat.

"Surely this will appease y love." Creed sing-songed gleefully.

"So," asked Salim, "What next?"

Draco responded "Phase 3"

"Can't it wait until New Years? Or at least August?" Salim asked.

"It /is/ August."

"I meant next!"

"No, Tommorrow we begin Phase 3!"


End file.
